All I Really Need to Know, I Forgot

It's been said that all one really needs to know, they learn in kindergarten. If this is the case, I am officially out of luck. Kindergarten was more than 20 years ago. I barely remember what I did this morning or last week. Kindergarten isn't even on the map.

I do believe, however, that I have learned a lot of important things from a lifetime of playing video games. Therefore, I present "All I Really Need to Know, I Learned From Video Games"

• When escaping from law enforcement, just make a sharp turn around a corner and then sit on a bench or hide behind a curtain. Such hiding places are impervious to their search methods. Changing your clothes is also an acceptable option.
• If someone has not locked the door to their house, it is completely appropriate to enter without permission. In fact, it is quite likely they will provide you with valuable information and possibly let you take money from their drawers, night stands, or other furniture.
• If you get shot, or are otherwise severely injured, hide behind the nearest cover for a few seconds and you will quickly recover. Note: Getting shot in the head is an exception. This is generally fatal.
• Domestic terrorist organizations are not only well funded, well equipped, and have ridiculously large enrollment numbers but they carry this all out without anyone knowing.
• If you have committed a crime and law enforcement officials are investigating, looking pious will remove you from the suspect list (despite the fact that you are obviously armed to the teeth.
• Money can often be found in grass, bushes, pottery and in the possession of animals and other creatures that have no business carrying money.
• Although it may not contribute to your goals in life, you will always be encouraged to collect surprisingly well hidden objects. Note: Occasionally you will be rewarded for collecting the aforementioned objects. The choice to search for these object should be made on a case by case basis.
• When one is assaulted by multiple individuals, remember that although they could easily overpower you they will encircle you and only attack one at a time while the others dance and taunt you. Note: This is a great opportunity to take pot shots at the dancing onlookers.
• If a driver has attained sufficient speed, it is feasible to knock other cars out of the way without incurring damage to your vehicle.
• Many vehicles are available with weaponry. Use of these weapons is completely acceptable in day to day driving.
• Hacking computers, security devices, and other electronics usually involves some sort of game like pipe dream, labyrinth, early 1990s board/computer game.
• Nuclear weapons are poorly guarded and readily available to those seeking them.
• The bad guy is generally a friend, co-worker, or mentor.
• All aliens are out to kill us.
• Space travel will almost always lead to a disaster. If you survive this disaster, you will more than likely be required to save civilization from the aforementioned aliens.
• If you are the hero, you will generally be required to save civilization single handedly.
• If in your adventures you have a co-worker available by radio, this co-worker will be a woman.

That's all I can think of. I'll keep you posted if I think of others.

The Dark Side of the Moon, or the Agony of the Innocent Bystander

While enjoying the view of the parking lot from my desk at work, I was interrupted by a man who will henceforth be referred to as Bubba, which is the best red neck name I can think of at the moment. Jim Bob may also be appropriate. If neither of these work for you, feel free to substitute a name of your choosing. Please keep in mind the following description:

Bubba appears to be the pinnacle of the red neck species. Trucker hat, mullet, scruffy facial hair, worn and dirty clothes and a cigarette hanging from his lip. I understand that this description may not convey the severity of the mind scar I received from the experience I am about to share.

While enjoying the view, a car pulled up and parked outside my window. Movement that close to the window always catches my attention, but it was the people in the car that kept me from looking away. The man, Bubba, has been described above. The woman is Bubba's perfect red neck counterpart. It's a frightening pairing that could result in the downfall of the species.

Upon exiting the car, the woman walks over to another parked car and is now out of view. Bubba on the other hand is almost directly out my window. Either he doesn't see me watching, or he doesn't care. Bubba obviously knows someone on the second floor and is waving, pointing and laughing.

At this point, Bubba turns toward his car and it appears that he is looking into the back seat. He starts untucking his shirt which struck me as odd. The clothes contribute significantly to his red neck appearance, but untucking the shirt just makes him look trashy. After untucking his shirt, Bubba moves with speed that I never thought humanly possible and pulls his pants down and moons his friend on the second floor. At this point I looked away, but the damage was already done.

Although I saw more of Bubba's face than his butt, have greater recollection of the latter. Imagine, if you feel that you can, a butt that would be in the possession of the man described above. This is what I had the joy of seeing first hand. Needless to say, "pasty" is not a strong enough adjective to describe the butt. Unfortunately I'm not familiar with a stronger one.

If Bubba was really that dedicated to showing his butt to strangers, why couldn't he post a picture/video of it on MySpace or FaceBook (or whatever social networking red necks use) like everyone else. At least that would spare the by standing office workers.